Recently I’ve come to a conclusion: The only thing stopping me from becoming the best version of myself, the only thing stopping me from enlightenment is myself. I’ve blocking my own bag. I’ve spent the last few months trying to figure out the cause of this inner unrest.
Lately I’ve been feeling so stuck. My emotional and mental wellbeing seem to be on the decline, I have been heavily abusing my Adderall, my social life is nonexistant, and my motivation is at an all time low. I’m stuck in the same old patterns doing the same self-destructive behaviors.
I was finally honest with my psychiatrist about my mental state and she suggested starting TMS. My first session was last Thursday. I haven’t noticed much of a difference yet, but I read that it can take a few weeks before it starts working. I’m excited to start feeling more me, but there is another huge piece of this monster that I need to address: my Adderall consumption.
Yesterday, I took 125 mg of Adderall XR (over double the max dose) and ended up in the hospital. It took a near overdose to make me realize that I need to quit. I’ve known that my Adderall consumption has been unhealthy for a few months now. Around February of 2026 is when I was really honest with myself and realized I am addicted to my medication.
Since then, I’ve carried an immense guilt and a lot of shame about my addiction. I’ve taken Adderall for so long that I can’t really remember what life was like before it and I’m terrified of what life will look like going forward without it. I’m scared that I won’t function as well as I once did with Adderall. The thing is, I haven’t been functioning properly for the better part of a year! The logical part of my brain is telling me there is no way life is supposed to be this draining and bleak, it’s just a side effect of the crazy amounts of Adderall I’m taking every single day (roughly 100 mg on average daily). Adderall is not the only source of my numbness as of late, but I believe it is a major player. I have decided that my last dose will be next Tuesday (08/11/26) and I will tell my psychiatrist everything when I see her on the 14th.
Speaking of overconsumption, I really want to limit my THC intake as well. It’s gotten to the point that smoking doesn’t even get me high, but I still feel like garbage the next day. Talk about a shit deal, eh? Similar to Adderall, THC just doesn’t work like it used to. The other day, I smoked until I had a massive headache, then took over 400 mg of Delta 9 gummies and literally felt nothing the entire time. There is quite literally no point in consuming THC at this point, so I’m cutting myself off until the end of my TMS treatment at least.
Although I am very depressed at the moment, I feel a slight hopefulness. With these changes, I’m hoping to not only feel better mentally, but also physically. I can’t wait to start this new chapter of my life, and I’m excited to share it here with you!
Keep going!!
Love, Q
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